Three Honeymoon Promises

Recently, while we were waiting at the hair salon I came across an article in Good Housekeeping magazine titled “Kiss in the Morning.”  Gretchen Rubin spoke of and cited several others who spoke of the value of different ways to express affection.   It reminded us of three of the things we promised each other on our honeymoon.  First, we promised to kiss each other goodbye and hello whenever we parted for any length of time or came together after being separated.   Second, we promised to say: “I love you” at least once each day.  Thirdly we promised to fall asleep each day holding hands or at least touching each other.  While we can’t say we have done this absolutely every time or every day those times we didn’t have been very few.

Our promise to kiss goodbye and hello has been a great way to show each other that s/he is important and to put each other first.  It has been interesting through the years for what it has done to keep us connected and the impact it has had on others.   Our children used to hang off Bob’s legs when they were small when he came home from work and he made his way to wherever I was in the house.  He would kiss me and then he would pick them up and kiss and hug them.  When we arrived separately at meetings or gatherings in the evening we evangelized marriage as others quickly learned that he would always kiss me first before greeting others.  It was even more interesting when we worked together in the high school.  We weren’t quite sure if we were actually saying goodbye to each other since our classrooms were just down the hall from each other, but I always kissed him as we parted outside his classroom and I went to mine.  At first students were surprised, but they liked knowing that we loved each other.  If he came into my classroom during the day they insisted that he kiss me goodbye before he left.  It usually resulted in a lot of hooting and whistling.  Even adults in the building began to expect us to do so.  We believe that we were a good example of marriage for students and adults in the building.  It may sound silly, but sometimes I have kissed Rita on my way out to mow the lawn or get the mail.  Sometimes those are bit special because they are unexpected.

Saying I love you has been easy.  Most of the time it follows a goodbye kiss. We say it at the end of phone conversations, or as we say goodnight to each other.  When we are not physically together overnight or for a longer time we call each day to say:”I love you”.  It is good that we started this before texting because our promise included saying it aloud, not merely writing it.  While some days and times it is routine, I have never gotten tired of hearing Bob say the words.  I usually say the words to Rita multiple times a day, but I make a mental check before going to sleep at night, and if I’m not sure, I say it one more time.

Finally, staying physically in touch as we fall asleep is a wonderful way to stay connected.  Sometimes it has been in the joy and peacefulness of having made love.  On other occasions it is a very real reminder that we are/were not in sync with each other.  If I am upset with him or feel neglected or hurt, it takes a decision to reach out and touch or to allow him to touch me, but it has been and still is a wonderful way to draw us back together.  Through most of our marriage I have gone to sleep before Bob does.  Through many years he would come to bed with me and hold me or my hand as I fell asleep and then he would get up again.  At other times he would lean over to kiss me when he came to bed.  Sometimes that startled me so much that he has given up doing that.  When we are in bed together as I put down my book or other reading material he always leans over to kiss me.  If he is busy and comes to bed after I’m asleep I’m always aware of is his hand reaching out to touch me as he falls asleep.  It has been very important to me to know that I’m important to him and that no matter what he is thinking of or doing he hasn’t forgotten me.  We tend to sleep well apart in our king size bed, so sometimes I have to stretch or move toward the center a bit to reach her.

These three daily actions have done much to keep us aware of each other each day and to keep us from slipping into a routine that would allow us to drift apart.  It keeps me aware every day that I am Number One with Rita, no matter what else is going on.

Did you make promises to each other on your honeymoon or when you were first married?  How successful have you been at maintaining them?  What have they done for your marriage?  We would enjoy hearing about them.

 Living Together in the Word

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer

Men and Women Do Not Live by Marriage Alone

Our culture is full of sayings about many subjects, including marriage.  Some are deprecating – the old ball and chain – and some carry good advice for those who are married – marriage is not a 50-50 proposition, it is a 100-100 proposition.  Today we will comment on a positive phrase which, like most, is more complex than it sounds at first hearing.

The phrase is:  “One person, no matter how much they love you, cannot meet all of your emotional needs.”

We have had some discussion along these lines many times over the years and I recognize that I have always been a loner.  In my family of twelve children I was third oldest and had six sisters before I had a brother, who is ten years younger.  While I played with my sisters, I spent much of my childhood pursuing my own interests.  I was always interested in learning and understanding how things work and could occupy myself for many hours reading and building toys with my Erector Set.  In school I always stood out as being at the head of my class but not very good at sports. I mostly perceived myself as at best on the fringe of groups where everyone else seemed to be a fully participating member.  I remember some loneliness in that, but tended to retreat into reading and learning and finding satisfaction in intellectual pursuits.  That continued through college and into my professional career.

Our years working with married couples and Rita’s insistence that I am lovable and have something to offer to others opened me up considerably and over the years we have had great relationships with couples – usually working with them, but also in close friendships. I have learned to be freer with other people and can be part of a group, but I’m still not especially good with small talk.

With Rita, I have, from our first dates, been able to  share my emotions and have a greater intimacy than with any other person.  That has grown through the years.  When we were married we moved away from family and anyone we knew.  We learned to rely on each other for support.  I think we both found some of that support among our coworkers during our careers.  Since retirement I still have some contact with former colleagues and enjoy visiting with them but the regular contact has greatly declined and I find that most of my contact is with Rita.

We have had a number of discussions about this.  For me, pursuit of ideas and intellectual discussion meets an important emotional need.  I find gratification in understanding ideas and passion in pursuing them.  Rita is a great intellectual companion, but not always interested in the same things I am.  Sometimes she is frustrated by my attempts to push discussions on subjects that are not of great interest to her.  I want to find companion(s) who share(s) my interests and likes intellectual discussions. Our children, like me have wide interests and an intellectual bent that makes it fun for me to spend time with them, but I would like to have more. I have tried this a few times, but have not made lasting connections, especially with men.  I miss that, but I am unsure how to pursue finding a person or persons with whom I can connect.  This is an ongoing discussion for us.  We are trying to reconnect with some of the people who have been important in our lives and with whom we have lost contact.  Meanwhile, I am privileged to have Rita to provide support, ideas and intellectual input.

It has become a running commentary by people that I know, especially Bob and our children, that I either have pheromones which send out signals or a sign on my forehead that says “you can trust me,’ because many people, some strangers, ask me for advice on any topic or will tell me their life story with its ups and downs.  It does fill some emotions needs in me.  Not very long into our relationship I was aware that Bob would run things by me when he was making little and big plans in his life.  It is likely one of the things that attracted us to each other and helped our relationship develop.  Through our years of marriage whether he was trying new things in the classroom, discouraged at work, trying to invent little things, parenting, or when we were involved in our parish or Marriage Encounter he would use me as a sounding board.  He does that when we are planning travel and now that we are both retired whatever topic or issue he is currently interested in he will talk to me about it.  In many ways we are both happy to live this way.  It challenges both of us, calls for trust, requires patience on both our parts and provides a healthy bond between us.  While it does fill intellectual needs there is an emotional aspect to it as well.  We both know that we are important to each other in ways only we are.

While Bob is a loner and I am to some extent I have more of an emotional need to be in relationships with others.  For me, that need to be in relationships has been met by this trust factor that I seem to elude.  As I reflect back through my life it has been there for quite some time – likely it began in my teen years.  In my early teaching years I became aware that students seemed to trust me on an intellectual level that allowed them to ask questions in the classroom and on the emotional level as they would hang around after class and after school just to“chat.”  Even various people who lived in our apartment buildings would seek me out to talk.  This capability enabled me to get students to delve into themselves when they were writing talks for a retreat or doing reflective papers in religion classes.  Adults in all the buildings trusted me as well.  It was not uncommon for people, male and female, to be waiting for me to arrive at school to chat or to appear in my classroom or the religion office on my preparation or lunch period or after school to speak with me.   Through the years many students referred to me as their mother at school.  It sometimes surprises me that people see this quality in me.  A young Muslim woman in our neighborhood, just from watching me walk, began to come out to speak with me about love, marriage, parenting, and how to be fulfilled in her busy life.  One day I just said hello to a woman down the street who I really didn’t know at all and before I knew it I heard her whole life story.  One day as I was out walking the man down the street who had been recently widowed was out and I just said I was sorry about his wife’s death.  Some time later I realized that he used me to process many of his feelings about her passing.

Even since I’ve retired many of my colleagues and students still contact me for advice.  After three years it still surprises me to open my email and find a message from one of them.  The woman who cleans our house will often stop and ask if we can chat.  It gives her someone to speak to in her otherwise “alone” world.

Of course our children and their spouses and grandchildren do the same.  The topics have changed through the years but phone conversations and live conversations happen all the time and sometimes in unusual circumstances.

So what does all of this have to do with our topic of today?  Each of us as husband and wife must have meaning in our lives that goes beyond jobs, shopping, exercise and sports.  We have to be in relationships with others.  Some of us need a broader and wider number and others of us are content with a few.   What I have learned in this is that my life has great meaning when I am open to the needs, wants and desires of others.  It starts with Bob and then branches out to everyone with whom I come in contact.  Being in other relationships makes me a better person and that makes me a better wife, lover and companion.

Do you live by marriage alone?  Do you live in your marriage?  Both are interesting questions to think about and discuss.  Give us some feedback as to what gives meaning to your life and thus to your marriage.

 Living Together in the Word

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer

The Difference between Civil and Sacramental Marriage (Repost)

We first dealt with this topic as teachers, in our high school ethics classes.  Students expressed much confusion about the differences between civil divorce and Catholic annulments.  We have used the following in a talk on the Sacrament of Marriage.  We first posted this material November 9, 2011 and it continues to be the most-viewed of all posts on this blog.

We think an understanding of these issues is very helpful in comprehending the current political, legal and religious issues surrounding civil unions and LGBT marriages.  Recent news reports indicate that we may be seeing changes in the Church as well as in the whole of society – there have been allegations that Pope Francis supported civil unions in Argentina. This site has a list of cardinals and bishops purported to support civil unions, LGBT marriages or general reforms of sexual teachings.  We hope that this post will help our readers to arrive at a fuller understanding of the issues.

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In our teaching we have found that there is much confusion and misunderstanding about marriage in the United States.  How is marriage in the Catholic Church different from civil marriage?  What is the effect of a civil divorce on the sacrament of marriage?  How is an annulment different from a divorce?  We will attempt to clarify these issues in this post.

There are three aspects of Marriage in the Church.  It is contract, covenant and sacrament.

Marriage as Contract

The contract is the legal part of marriage (the civil marriage).  The state requires a license and completion of promises before an agent of the state and witnesses. The priest or deacon serves as the agent of the state as well as a witness for the Church, which leads to confusion about differences between the legal and religious aspects of the ceremony. In many European countries couples must have separate civil and religious ceremonies.  They often go to city hall and then to the church.  Here are some of the consequences of the legal contract

• Allows couples to file taxes jointly and (sometimes) get a break
• Spells out some financial responsibilities and affects ownership of property (traditionally it was to protect women when they didn’t have paying jobs and the children of that union).
• Affects inheritance of property.
• Determines the legitimacy of children.
• Gives hospital visitation rights to the spouse and allows them to make health care and medical decisions

Civil divorce dissolves the legal contract which is not a forever commitment, no matter what is said in the vows.  It has no connection to the religious aspects of the marriage. Divorce usually replaces the marriage contract with a new set of legal requirements related to the financial matters of the spouses and custody and financial care of children.

Example to illustrate the differences.  We have a friend whose father was a widower.  He met a widow and they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.  Some of their combined children were concerned about the assets of each and the inheritance issues that would result from their marriage. They decided not to get legally married but went to their parish priest who blessed their union. Their assets remain legally separate.

Marriage as Covenant

Covenant is a common term in real estate related to restrictions on the use of a property.  It is a legal document and can be changed or dissolved.  In the Bible we find the word covenant used in a different way.  In the Old Testament God says to the Israelites: “You will be my people and I will be your God.” (Jer 30:22)   It is a never-ending commitment of God to his chosen people and their commitment to God.  We also enter into a never ending religious covenant when we say our vows in the marriage ceremony.  The marriage covenant is like the covenant that God made with His people and Christ made with the Church as we say “as long as we BOTH shall live” or “unto death do us part.”  Because this covenant is between the husband and wife, they are the ministers of their vows.  The priest or deacon witnesses the covenant/vows for the Church as well as the contract for the state.

The religious covenant created in the wedding vows is:

1.  Never ending just as God’s promise to His people as stated in Jeremiah “You will be my people and I will be your God.”  (Jer 30:22)  We promise to be husband and wife for each other and to mirror those words of Jeremiah: “I will be your wife, you will be my husband.” and “I will be your husband, you will be my wife.”   The promise is reinforced in the words of the vows:  “for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death.

2.  A commitment to love. St. John, in his letter says “God is Love and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in Him.”  1 Jn 4:16b.  Our marriage covenant commits us to love—to place the needs of the other before our own.  As St. Paul says in Ephesians 5:32e “this is a great mystery but I speak in reference to Christ and the Church.”  This means that in loving Rita and being loved by her I can experience a little of Christ’s love for me. Together our love touches others and gives them an experience of God’s love for them.  We don’t have to do anything extraordinary – just love.  No other vocation does this in quite the same way.

3.  Our path to heaven.  Dutch priest, Fr. Henri Nouwen, says our goal in life is to experience love unconditionally.  In this life we can have glimpses of God’s unconditional love in marriage and find ourselves growing in our love for God as a result.

To personalize:

Bob

Your first response to the above might be that you will experience unconditional love in sexual encounters.  That may happen, but it can occur in many other situations.  A couple of years ago we were in Chicago’s Millennium Park with two of our granddaughters.  There is a sculpture there with a curved, mirrored surface that produces distorted images.  I was taking some pictures of the girls as they stood near the “bean”, as it is commonly called, laughing at their images, when I noticed Rita off to the side watching me interact with the girls and obviously enjoying our play.  She was looking at me in a way that spoke volumes about her love for me.  I took a picture of the girls with Rita off to the side and feel greatly loved every time I see it.

Rita

The night my mom died brings to mind for me this experience of unconditional love.  Bob, my sisters and I were with my mother when she died.  We had laughed and cried together and with her.  I thought I had shed all the tears that I had.  Somewhere in the middle of the night I began to sob.  I was facing anew the love I felt for her and all that she had done for me and I was overwhelmed by the loss of her in my life.  In the midst of this I felt Bob’s arm surround me and draw me tightly to him.  He said nothing but just held me until I stopped crying.  I experienced his all encompassing love at that moment even with the terrible loss.   I was loved!!

The real work of the covenant for a couple comes in living their vows every day.  When we are experiencing better, richer and health, life is good.  It is possible to take each other for granted and it is easy to lose our sense of gratitude.  The test of commitment comes in hard times, worse, poorer and sickness, that are inevitable in every marriage.

Some time ago, we came across a book titled, Toward Commitment, written by a couple who were married for over forty years.  They had been through infidelities and separation and were still trying to figure out whether they could make a commitment for their lifetimes.  Unlike them we saw the commitment we made in saying our vows to each other as immediate and permanent from that moment forward.  While we have had trying moments in our marriage, neither of us has ever questioned that commitment.  It has required us to summon the courage to speak up when necessary and work through the demands of taking our relationship to new depths.

Here are some of the things we have had to do to maintain the permanence and fidelity we promised:

a. We have had to face issues.  When either of us feels neglected, unloved or taken advantage of, one of us has had to summon the courage to broach the subject and maybe risk a fight.  This is especially tough for Rita, the peacemaker.

b. It took effort and experience to learn how to resolve differences – to always remember that we are fighting for our relationship not to prove that either of us is right.  This is hard for Bob since he likes to win.

c. We have learned to support the growth of the other as a person and to celebrate the accomplishments of the other.  As St. Paul says, “love is not jealous…but rejoices with the truth.” 1Cor 13:4-5

d. We strive to keep some romance and fun alive. We still tease each other and make each other laugh.  We like to travel and enjoy time for just us. It is like an unending honeymoon. (Our kids often roll their eyes and say:  “Oh, no, mom and dad are being teenagers again.”)

e. It has been necessary for us to make the effort to heal and forgive – most marriages end, not because of a major infidelity, but as the result of many small things that have not been forgiven.

f. We shared fully in parenting our four children, avoided putting most of the responsibility on one.  This was especially important in making decisions involving them. We made an effort to anticipate some of the difficult decisions we would have to make and have an answer ready when the situation arrived.  Sometimes we would make a child wait for a decision until we could speak to each other.

Remember that the covenant is a commitment to journey together.  We cannot expect to live it perfectly.  It is a human relationship and relationships are inherently messy.  We have embraced the messiness and come to laugh often at our imperfections.

The vows on our wedding day were just the beginning.  We live out those vows in different ways as the circumstances of our lives change.  The constants that enable us to do that are love and the power of the Holy Spirit present in our lives.

Couples entering into marriage promise to one another before witnesses that they will love each other and give themselves to each other.  Christians say that, but also affirm that they will try to love each other as Christ loves the Church, and give themselves to and for each other as Christ gives himself to and for the Church.”  This for most of us is scary and awesome.

When we live the vows with permanence and fidelity for each other and the Church, we become Sacrament.

Marriage as Sacrament

Marriage has not always been included in the Church’s list of official sacraments.  In the 13^th century marriage was officially recognized to have the characteristics that each sacrament must have – it is an outward sign in the human world of the presence of God who is grace.

Like other sacraments, the Church requires the recipients of matrimony to meet certain conditions, in order to be valid.  The following is a brief explanation of the qualities that make marriage a valid Sacrament.

a. While the couple entering into the covenant of marriage administers the vows to each other, they must be witnessed for the Church by a priest or deacon and one other Catholic person.  In addition, the marriage is not considered valid until the couple has had sexual intercourse.

b. The persons entering into the marriage must be capable of entering into the vows –be of a certain age, mentally capable and emotionally able to make the commitment required in the vows, etc.

c.  Each person must be free to enter into the covenant – not married to someone else, including a previous sacramental marriage which is divorced, but not annulled, must not be bound by religious vows, or have the bond of holy orders, to name the most common.  These conditions are referred to as impediments to marriage.

d. Both partners must have the intent to live out what they promise – unity, to love the other and be one in mind, body and spirit, and procreation, to be open to children

If any of the above conditions is not present the Church may nullify or invalidate the marriage.  The official term is a “Declaration of Nullity” which can only be made by the Church.  It is not like a legal divorce, which ends a contract, but officially declares that the Sacrament never existed.  We know the nullification as an annulment. This is a Church matter and has no effect on the legal contract, which is the domain of the state.

We do not live out the Sacrament of Matrimony as we do our vows.  Rather, we become the Sacrament, which has effects on us, on the people who live with us and meet us in the course of our lives and on the communities in which we live.  These effects are far-reaching and positive.  This post is already long, so we will hold the discussion for another time.

We hope this helps to clarify the nature of Catholic marriage, compared to civil marriage and helps you to see some of the great possibilities marriage has for you.

Did this article clarify your understanding of Catholic marriage? Does it help you to see possibilities for your own marriage?  Leave a comment below.

This material is excerpted from our unfinished commentary on the 2009 US Bishops’ pastoral letter   Marriage:  Love and Life in the Divine Plan which is available here.  (pdf. Select the list item Marriage)

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We have another post:  Developments in the History of Marriage, posted 3/28/12, which may help to clarify how the Church’s understanding of marriage has changed throughout history.  You may find it relevant in understanding and creating an informed conscience regarding the current political controversies related to marriage.

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer:  Living Together in the Word

Marriage in Retirement: In the Land of the Living

Last week we considered some aspects of retirement, including the idea that we live in different lands at different times in our lives.  The phrase “I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the Land of the living” comes from Psalm 27:13.  This time of retirement is one of those lands.  We see some people going through it in the “land of the living” while others seem to approach it as the “land of the dying”.  Needless to say, we prefer the “living” approach.  The material below is taking from our presentation called Aging Joyfully Together.  We hope you will find in it encouragement and perhaps some ideas about how to spend this time in your life “in the land of the living.”

Bob

The sacrament of marriage calls us to be signs of God’s love to each other and the world.  When God is present to us and we are grateful for God’s gifts, it is difficult not to be joyful.  So where is the joy in you and your spouse?  The answer is that you have to create it.  You can look beyond your easy chair and put some life into your lives.  For the sake of having a joyful life, you may have to give yourself an attitude adjustment.  So we are going to challenge you, as we constantly challenge ourselves, to put some adventure in your life.  Adventure means different things to different people and we know that health and mobility issues have an effect on what you can do, but when you get started, you may find that the boundaries aren’t as narrow as you think.

We met Wayne and Sue in Puerto Rico.  They are in their late 60s and Sue has had breast cancer twice, been in a nasty car accident and has joint disease that allows her be out of bed only about 9 hr a day.  They were spending a week at a resort before leaving on a Caribbean cruise.  Their caring for each other is obvious and they easily speak of the wonderful traits of the other and of their appreciation for the other.  We admire their determination to make the adjustments to their situation and keep going.

We never saw ourselves as very adventurous until people started to tell us their fears about travel and its perceived dangers, their concern that they wouldn’t like the food or be able to find their way around a strange city.  I have been frustrated trying to get to a hotel in more than one European city, and against the advice of seasoned travelers, I have driven in Rome, gotten up to 125 mph on the autobahn in Germany (Rita kept her eyes closed) and driven the wrong way on a street in Florence – during rush hour.  If I had more time, I would tell you about having our car towed in Siena on a Saturday afternoon.  Last fall we spent three weeks in Haiti and next month we will be spending 12 days in Israel, The Holy Land.

Food is also a great source of adventure for us.  We have tasted some wonderful foods, even though we didn’t actually know what they were.  There have been some surprises along the way.  Rita still hasn’t fully recovered from the chorizo she ordered in France that wasn’t chorizo as we know it.  I think it was still a factor when she recently decided to take meat out of her diet. Sometimes in situations like that we switch meals, but on this one we just shared mine.  Sometimes the biggest disasters of the moment become our best stories and fondest memories.

Although we highly recommend foreign travel, if you have the urge and are financially able to do so, we know that many, maybe most, couples are not quite ready to go to Haiti or travel much at all and that’s OK.  Adventure for you is whatever takes you at least a little bit outside your comfort zone.  If you’re always ready for meat and potatoes, occasionally try tacos or sushi.  Try an ethnic restaurant you haven’t been to before.  Here’s an advantage to being a couple – order one dish that is “safe” and one that is new.  If you like the new one, it’s a great discovery, if you are worried about throwing up, share the safe one.

We also like variety in food at home.  While I do most of the cooking, Rita watches the newspaper food section or surfs the net for recipes that have possibilities.  We have eaten some great new foods as well as one or two that we won’t make again.  BTW, (I’ve even learned some social media lingo) did you know that celery root is a tasty addition to some casseroles?  Another benefit is that we are eating healthier.

In many cases, the routine dullness of life is mostly about attitude (we used to tell our kids that they needed an attitude adjustment).  If you think you can’t sleep in any bed but your own, you will never be happy away from home.  If you decide that one night of poor sleep is worth it, for the fun you are going to have as a result, you may be pleasantly surprised at how well you sleep.

A couple of years ago Rita’s nieces and nephews (adults in their 50s) visited us.  One nephew’s wife is studying art and wanted to visit the Chicago Art Institute.  Some of the group didn’t want to go into the City, but her nephew went along, probably mostly to accompany his wife.  When we got there he suddenly started asking questions about various art works and became very interested in the meaning behind the things he saw.  Later he talked about how interesting it was including riding the el into the city.

In the end our attitude toward life makes the difference between adventure and boredom.  The little adventures lead to a lot of the humor in our lives.  When the meal is bad we can be upset about it or we can laugh and say:  “I guess we won’t order that again!”

Rita

Saint Paul says in his first letter to the Corinthians that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit.  I used this reference when I was teaching teens about sexuality.  As I reflect now on it two things come to mind.  First, our bodies being temples is broader than sexuality and secondly, at this age our bodies haven’t stopped being temples of the Holy Spirit.  So we need to take a look at what this means at this point in our lives and how that might affect how we can be joyful.

There is a large billboard on one of Chicago’s expressways that says “The Best Medicine for osteoarthritis is to keep moving.”  We’ve seen the reaction to pain in many people was to just not move.  The result for many was a downward spiral into little movement at all.  Ten years or so ago I went to a conference for religion teachers.  I discovered that I was doing a reasonably good job of tending to my spiritual needs but not doing very well at handling my physical needs.  I can home and began an exercise program that resulted in some weight loss and helped my overall cardio-vascular health.  I’ve managed to stay committed to that and walk 2+ miles four or five days a week, along with a little weight lifting.  While my arthritis has not gotten any better, I have kept mobility.  That allows me to walk great distances when we travel and allowed me to sit down on the floor with teens when I was on retreat with them or to play with our grandchildren.  In addition to my regular walks, Bob and I often take walks in our neighborhood.  It gives us an opportunity to let our Sacrament be visible to the younger couples in our neighborhood.  They often comment that we’re their heroes or that they want to be like us when they are retired.  Most of our children have taken up an exercise routine as a result as well.  My challenge to you is to think about what you can do with your temples.  This can apply to your sexual relationship as well.  For most of us things don’t work the way they once did, but that doesn’t mean that we should abandon any kind of physical touch and intimacy.  I used to tell my students that sexual intimacy is wasted on the young because they don’t “get” what physical intimacy does for their spirit and soul – they only experience it in terms of physical pleasure.

As we continued to look at our relationship with an adventurous spirit we created an image that our years together are contained by bookends.  One bookend was our dating years and we remember with joy all the things we did.  We had little money then, so we went to drive-in movies, community dances, Mass and confession at the cathedral in Cincinnati (they were totally free) walked through furniture sections of department stores and dreamed in bookstores.  Some times we packed a picnic basket and went to a park and read for the afternoon.  Then of course we got busy with all the middle years of our life together.  We spent a lot time with our jobs, house management, having and raising children and being involved in service activities.  Just as most of you have done.  Now we are approaching the other book end.  We think it is fun to revisit some of the things we did in the dating years.  Pack a picnic lunch and go to a park and read or to a museum when it isn’t so busy.  We still like touring model homes although we are likely to down size when and if we move again.  Going to concerts and plays is easier when we don’t have to arrange a babysitter and worry about when we get home.  We look at this time and think about some of the things we wanted to do when we were younger and mostly talked about what it would be like to do them.  We have tried a few of those things. It’s great fun to do something that seems slightly naughty or inappropriate.  We haven’t yet gotten tattoos, although we have considered a temporary one, mostly thinking about the reaction that our kids would have when they saw it.  We have a priest friend who has retired to Texas.  When we last visited him he was talking about his bucket list of things he wanted to do yet in his life.  One of the things was to get a manicure and pedicure but he thought the people in his retirement community would laugh at him.  Bob promised that the next time we visit him the two them would do that together.

Think about some things you might do to put a little more adventure in your life.  Maybe it’s putting on your favorite music from your dating years and dancing, even if you just hold each other up.  Maybe you’re more adventuresome then we are and you will get a tattoo.  Think about something new you always wanted to do together and give it a try.  All of this goes back to the comment I made last week – having things still to do always makes me think of a future.  I really don’t think that, for me, sitting in a lazy boy all day everyday and watching TV is what Saint Paul meant for me to do with my temple.  Our sacrament of marriage is still very much alive and we are still called to make Jesus present for our spouses and others.  The more we tend to the physical aspects of our bodies the more we will be able to do that.

If we are to be a sign of Jesus to each other and to the world we can’t be unhappy, crabby and out of sorts all the time.  Our lives need a little humor.  I think that becomes more evident as we age.  If either or both of you have not had much humor in your lives all along this too may require an attitude adjustment.  One of the things I have always liked about Bob is his zest for life and his wacky sense of humor.  He constantly finds humor in signs and in comments people make that they did not quite intend.  We once observed a couple who were likely somewhere in their seventies at an airport.  We were on the same delayed flight.  He had an obvious hearing loss and needed to use the restroom frequently.  Every time an announcement about our flight was made he needed to ask his wife to repeat it or when he came back from the bathroom he’d ask her if anything had been updated.  She kept getting more irritated with each of his questions.  I know a little of those feelings.  Bob has a slight hearing loss.  I’ve adjusted to speaking louder, having the TV higher in volume or repeating things.  When I find myself a little irritated I remind myself to be grateful he is still here and we can have conversations.  We do laugh about it at times.  I’ve learned that if I have something very important to say I need to make sure I have his attention.  So I address him as Robert Mark.  The funny thing is that our grandchildren have picked up on that as well.  If they are very excited and are trying to talk to him they will say Grandpa, Grandpa Bob, and if he doesn’t respond they say Robert Mark.  It works, and we all laugh.

Bob has been an absent minded professor for as long as I have known him.  It didn’t go away when he became a professor emeritus.  He can’t find keys, gloves, or remember what clothes he wore yesterday.  What he is looking for in the pantry or refrigerator can be right in front of him and he still can’t see it.  I can tell him exactly where to find something in a drawer or on a shelf and many times he still can’t see it.  I get up and point or get something that he swore was not where I said it was.  We usually laugh and give each other a kiss.  In the last few years he short circuits a situation by just asking me to get something rather than wasting time.  I think it is a wonderful example of humility that Bob has, and likely most of us need as we age.  This has been a running joke through most of our marriage.  Our daughter-in-law, Rhonda, observed one of our funny encounters and said, “Now I know why Dan is that way.”  On the rare occasions when I can’t find something and he can, the situation is even funnier.

One final thing that enables us to be Christ for one another is to pray together in some way most days.  It can begin with holding hands in bed and/or saying a short prayer in the morning or at night.  An obvious time is at meals, even at restaurants, or anytime throughout the day.  We assume that for most of you prayer is part of your life.  Prayer is important because to truly be what God wants us to be and to respond to God’s initiative, like Abraham did, we need to have the right attitude in mind and heart.  It also helps us to live with gratitude and to see the goodness of the Lord in all aspects of our lives.  It helps us to remain firmly and actively involved in “the land of the living.”

What are some of the things that keep you and your spouse in the “land of the living” as you are aging? Please leave us a comment.

Living Together in the Word

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer

Aging Joyfully Together – Marriage in Retirement

Among the programs we offer to groups on the subject of marriage is a presentation we call Aging Joyfully Together.  It offers couples inspiration to work at their marriage and helps them to see the wonderful possibilities they have for a useful and joyful life together in retirement, along with some practical suggestions for preparing for the inevitable time when marriage ends with the death of one spouse.  The following is a short excerpt from the beginning of the presentation.

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While we are here to speak about aging we look at each other and say we’re not old enough yet to do this.  Bob is only 70 and Rita will soon be 69.  Bob retired from full time college teaching of physics and math in 1999 and has done various computer consulting jobs and taught high school for 3 years since then.  Rita retired in 2010 from a career as a Catholic high school theology teacher, department chair and campus minister.

The title of our talk suggests that it is about what we do from this day forward, but we need to be aware that the journey of our aging together actually began on our wedding day.  All the things we’ve learned or not learned along the way, the people that we have become or not become, the stories of our lives, whether happy or sad, all impact the way we will live out this time in our lives.

Some time ago, on a spring break vacation when we were definitely younger, we rented a condo in what turned out to be a retirement community.  I (Rita) made some observations there about aging and I came home and told our children that they could get this in writing.  I said first “I will not get my hair done once a week and then complain when someone’s child makes it wet in the swimming pool. Second, I will not go out to dinner at 4: 00 in the afternoon to save a dollar or two and third, I always want to have a future.”  I don’t mean to offend anyone if those things describe you.  What I was trying to communicate is that in aging I don’t want to put myself in a box.  While I don’t get my hair done once a week, we have gone out to dinner quite early, not because we wanted to save a little, but with friends who did.  Most importantly, I want to continue to dream and always have things to look forward to, that we have not yet done or experienced.  I want to be able to travel, redecorate a room in our house, shop for new clothes continue to enrich the lives of couples.  To put that into perspective – the good old days that so many older people refer to, if we are honest, weren’t always so good.  We had the stress of jobs, less money, children to worry about on a daily basis.  In many ways these are the good days.

A retired neighbor who was several years older than us once told us that life begins when the dog dies and the last kid leaves home.  We’ve never had a dog but we can remember the freedom to set our own schedule when the last child left home, even though Rita was still working full time.

Another perspective on retirement and aging.  A couple of years ago we traveled to Ireland.  A priest friend of ours introduced us to a couple who gave us three tips on retirement. The first thing they said is that you needed to be sure to have the money to support the lifestyle you want or be willing to adjust your lifestyle to fit your financial resources.  Second, they said you need to have a reason to get up in the morning even if that is to weed the garden or put gas in the car.  Thirdly, they said that, as a couple you have to learn how to stay out of each other’s pockets.  In other words, even though we might have retired to have more time together, much of our lives we had separate jobs, interests and even friends.  As we were writing this we asked other happy retired couples what most contributed to their happiness.  Each of them listed the fact that they had separate interests and activities as an important factor.

Aging is our journey through life and the acceptance that we came from God and will return to God.  Many only view aging as a physical process.  We are certainly aware of our bodies aging.  Bob is facing some sight and hearing issues and I have some joint discomfort from osteoarthritis.   Thankfully, neither of us seems to have any significant mental deterioration.   But, aging is more than a physical process.  It requires us to look at our attitudes as well.  In fact, aging might call for an attitude adjustment.  It’s funny to think of it that way because, on more than one occasion, we commented to our children that they needed an attitude adjustment.  When we interview and observe couples in this senior stage of their lives we observe several things.  Some couples focus on all the things they can no longer do while others look for what they still can do.  Some even find things to do that they have never done before.  Some say “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” and others “you are never too old to learn.”  Some approach aging with a sense of entitlement and others view their life with a sense of gratitude.    From our experience, couples who concentrated on the giftedness of their lives and are grateful for their lives, rather than the “can’ts”,  “nevers” and entitlements are the happiest.

All of our lives, including these years, require a leap of faith.  Let’s look to scripture to find someone to help us continue to take that leap.  One person in the Old Testament who did that is Abraham.  God spoke to him and said (He didn’t ask him, He told him.) to leave his home, his father and the land of his kindred and “go to the land that I will show you.”   Now think about that – while we had some choices, it is really what God said to us on our wedding day.  In fact it was quite literal for Bob and me.  We did leave our homes, our parents and the land of our families and moved to a land that God showed us for the last 46 years.  Like us, your marriage was a leap of faith.  Most of us had no real preparation for marriage but we have lived in a variety of lands that God has taken us and have more than survived.  Just adjusting to being married, having children (talk about a land that God showed us) jobs, illnesses and perhaps losses.  We think aging is seen in a better perspective when we accept it as another land to which God is taking us.

Thinking about this time in our lives as another land to which God is showing us takes on another perspective if we think about Psalm 27: 13 which says, “I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the Land of the living.”  The question that we need to ask is, is the land that you now see “the land of the living?”   If not, we don’t believe that you will see “the goodness of the Lord.”

When we ask:  “Are you in the land of the living?” did you reach down and take your pulse?  We are really asking whether you have something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning.  Is there anything on your schedule that causes you to have a psychological bounce in your step, even if your legs can’t do it anymore?  What do you see as the value of your life?  God brings us into this land in which we will finish our lives on earth, not yet finished, but with work yet to do.  Benedictine Sister Joan Chittister, in her book, The Gift of Years, talks about the opportunity of this time in our lives.  We are past the years of heavy daily responsibilities of jobs and raising children.  Now there is new work to be done that can be as much or more fulfilling than our lives until now.  This is a time with fewer schedules and more time to enjoy God’s gifts.  I find myself moving more slowly when I work in the yard, not because I don’t have energy, but just because the day is open and I can enjoy being outside a little longer if I make three trips to put my tools away instead of one.  Our goal today is to help you see some of the possibilities that this time in the “land of the living” offers to each of us.

Whether you are retired, near retirement, or have many years to go before taking that step in your life, take a moment today to think about your approach to giving up a work life and the daily responsibilities that go with it.  Do you see retirement as a time when the most important parts of your life are over – time to put your feet up and do nothing?  Or do you see retirement as an opportunity to do things you never could find the time to do, a time to pass on wisdom to younger generations, a chance to continue to be a productive member of society?  An attitude of gratefulness and joy can make a huge difference in the quality of your retirement years.

We have much more to say on this subject but we can’t give you the whole presentation here.  If you would like to hear more, invite us to your church, retirement community or other group.  We are readily available in areas of IL, IN, WI and MI. and might just take on a new adventure to come wherever you are.

Living Together in the Word

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer:

Marriage & the Seven Deadly Sins

Yesterday I (Bob) was rereading Anthony Marinelli’s short book, Conscience & Catholic Faith in connection with a project I am working on and came to a section on sin and virtue.  The sins and virtues we find in the Bible and other places in Catholic writing may seem archaic to some, but I find the sins to be good reminders of the dangers to my relationships with God, Rita and others in the way I live my life and the associated virtues point to a way to live that counters the deadly sins and helps me to become a better person.  In this post we will list each of the deadly sins and the heavenly virtue which counteracts it with a short comment on its meaning and reflection on how it can affect a marriage.

The sin:  Pride.

An exaggerated sense of one’s own importance which subordinates all else to its own needs.

In a marriage the proud person considers oneself to be more important than one’s spouse.  It can come out as “I’m better than you and I know better than you what is best for you and us.  We believe that pride is the most difficult sin to overcome.  It is present in all of the other deadly sins and is the one we most need to work on in our marriage.

The virtue:  Humility.

Recognition and acceptance of one’s humanity with all its glory and limits.

A humble person is able to accept all that has been given to him or her – intelligence, heart, soul, spirit, friends, family – with an attitude of praise and thanksgiving.  In a marriage it means supporting one’s spouse and rejoicing in his/her accomplishments.  Our son-in-law, who works long hours, tells our daughter how grateful he is for the values and disciplines she has instilled in their daughters.  No one was prouder than he was, when she her doctorate was conferred.

The sin:  Envy.

A refusal to accept one’s own limits (and strengths) and truly begrudges the virtues and gifts of another.

In marriage, envy often presents itself in downplaying the accomplishments or talents of the spouse.  It can result in the envious person finding fault with the other in multiple ways.  He/she can’t allow the other to be seen as better or more capable that him/her self.

The virtue:  Self-acceptance.

The root of our worth is in relationship to God as a beloved child.

When I am good with myself, I can be good with Rita. Self-acceptance allows us true intimacy to develop.  We can work as a team, share responsibilities and truly just enjoy each other.

The sin:  Greed.

An inordinate desire for material possessions and wealth.

Greed allows jobs and material success to dominate one’s life.  Often it is seen as a way of loving one’s family by providing well for them. We can measure our self-worth in terms of material success (he who dies with the most toys wins). The most damaging effect on a marriage is that the acquisition of money and material goods becomes more important than the relationship with one’s husband or wife as well as focus on material goods as solely for oneself.

The virtue:  Social Justice.

Recognizing that the goods of the earth are intended for all, and seeking to live in such a way that all are invited to share in the banquet of human solidarity.

Social justice is often summed up as sharing your time, treasure and talent.  It puts material things into the perspective of service – to oneself and one’s family, but also to the service of the poor and the vulnerable in society.  It leads to a view of money and possessions as gifts to be shared in gratitude for all we have.  This is something we first learned from our parents. Our sense of gratitude for what we have has grown throughout our lives and our improving finances have called us to give more.  We still struggle to determine how much to give away now that we are retired and much of our income is fixed.

The sin:  Lust.

The attitude of the heart that sees in the other person the gratification of his or her sexual needs.  It reduces the person to an object.

It sometimes surprises people to learn that they can be lustful with their spouse.  Sex is all about me and my needs/pleasure and my spouse is present to take care of me.  It is the source of a great deal of tension in many marriages.

The virtue:  Chastity.

Realizing that an intimate sexual relationship involves fidelity and love more than biological and emotional needs.

In marriage, chastity is about fidelity, not just having one partner, but being faithful in communication, sacrifice, care and mutuality.  This is an area that we have worked on a lot.  Throughout our marriage we have had, and still have, periodic discussions about our sexual activity.  We each ask the other how am I doing in meeting your needs, is there more that I can do?  Do you feel loved and cared for?  It helps me to be aware of  myself and the other.

The sin:  Anger (Wrath).

The destructive passion against anything or anyone whom it sees as an enemy (real or perceived).

The sin of anger is more like hatred, than a momentary outburst when we are cut off by another driver.  In marriage it is ongoing, though sometimes below the surface.  It pops up at unpredictable times and situations.  Its effect on a marriage is that it often leads to insults and abuse.

The virtue:  Patience

Patience is being at peace with one’s own limitations and realizing that all human beings are still in process.

We think that patience is a companion virtue to self-acceptance.  It allows us to see our own imperfections and get beyond the annoying imperfections of our spouse.  Merinelli says that patient people know how to laugh.  We find that to be true.  When I am patient rather than responding in anger, I can see the humor in a situation and we often find ourselves laughing together when one of us is reminding the other of something they don’t like.

The sin:  Gluttony.

Self-indulgence in the areas of food, drink and drugs.  It’s the failure to recognize the importance and dignity of the human body.

Gluttony is not about addiction.  It is about the excessive use of food, alcohol and drugs which shows disrespect for one’s body.  Recently we’ve seen on Facebook many pictures of foods that would not be recommended on a healthy diet and younger people commenting on their hangovers.  In marriage it can lead to many things that are detrimental to relationships – including debilitating diseases, inability to perform sexually or even to care for the needs of the other.

The virtue:  Self-respect.

Related to the body self-respect recognizes that the body is not something that simply houses the soul.  It is an essential part of one’s very self.

Self-respect involves discipline, moderation, prudence, exercise and good eating habits.  It is a response to the concern that our bodies enable us to live good lives in service to others, as well as enjoy the wonders of the world in which we live.  Many years ago, when friends had health issues associated with eating habits, we became aware of our own health and together determined to work at eating healthily, exercising and generally taking care of our bodies.  We don’t know that we will necessarily live long lives as a result, but we do know that being healthy has many benefits in our ability to love and care for each other and serve others, as well as enjoy travel and good times with our family.

The sin:  Sloth.

Lack of commitment to the spiritual good; the smallness of heart that seeks its own ease above the love of God and neighbor.

Sloth is not about lying on the couch eating chips all day, but is about lack of attention in one’s spiritual life.  It can be lack of prayer, finding other things more important than going to church, most of the time, or simply deciding that God is not important in your life.  In a marriage it takes away a source of richness and healing in the relationship.  It also affects parenting and may result in children growing up with little spiritual development.

The virtue:  Love.

Willing the good of the other over self.

This is God’s greatest commandment.  It causes us to step beyond ourselves and acknowledge God’s love for us and to express it in caring for His people.  It is active and passionate and anything but lazy.  People who love find themselves expressing gratitude to God and others for the wonders active in their lives.  The lives of people who love are never boring.
Please add your comments below.

The list of sins/virtues and short descriptions are excerpted from:  Marinelli, Anthony, Conscience & Catholic Faith.  Paulist Press, New York,1991.

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer:

  Living Together in the Word

The Commitment of Marriage

We are pleased to note that this is our 100^th post on The Wonder of Marriage.

The following is an excerpt from a work in progress in which we try to develop an understanding of the meanings of covenant and sacrament.  In this section we deal with the requirements of maintaining a life-long commitment.

We have a book titled, Toward Commitment, by Diane and John Rehm, written when they were married for over forty years.  They had been through infidelities and separation and were still trying to figure out whether they could make a commitment for their lifetimes.

In contrast, we saw the commitment we made in saying our vows to each other as immediate and permanent from the moment they were spoken.  While we have had difficult moments in our marriage, neither of us has ever considered that commitment to be in danger.  It has required us to summon the courage to speak up when necessary and go through the work of growing our relationship to new depths.

Here are some of the things we have had to do to maintain the permanence and fidelity we promised:

a. We have had to face issues.  When either of us feels neglected, unloved or taken advantage of, one of us has had to summon the courage to broach the subject and maybe risk a fight.  This was especially tough for Rita, the peacemaker, but as we have grown in our relationship she has gotten much better.

b. It took effort and experience to learn how to resolve differences – to always remember that I am fighting for our relationship not to prove that I am right.

c. We have learned to support the growth of the other as a person and to celebrate the accomplishments of the other.  As St. Paul¹⁰ says, love is not jealous but rejoices in the accomplishments of the other.

d. We always strive to keep some romance and fun alive. We still tease each other and make each other laugh.  We like to travel and enjoy time for just us. It is like an unending honeymoon. (Our kids often roll their eyes and say:  “Oh, no, mom and dad are being teenagers again.”)

e. It has been necessary for us to make the effort to heal and forgive – many marriages end, not because of a major infidelity, but as the result of many small things that have not been forgiven.

f. We worked to share fully in parenting our four children, and avoid putting most of the burden on one of us.  This was especially important in making decisions involving them. We developed ways to share in discipline and consulted each other before making a decision.  We made an effort to anticipate some of the difficult decisions we might have to make and have ideas how to deal with them or an answer ready when the situation arose.  Sometimes we would make a child wait for a decision until we could speak to each other.

g. Growing spiritually together and helping the other to grow spiritually as an individual is also part of our growing commitment.  We have encouraged each other to pray.  We prayed together and each of us has a prayer style all our own.  We believe that the foundation of our commitment is based in our relationship with God.  St. Paul says in Rom 8:28 “We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”  God called us to make a commitment, living that out is the work of our marriage.

This is a short and incomplete list.  We are sure you can add to it from your experience.  Please take a moment to add an item or two in a comment.

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer at:  Living Together in the Word

About Sharing Household Tasks Equally

It is not difficult to find advice on marriage that includes recommendations to married couples to share equally in the work of maintaining a household, raising children, paying bills and all the other activities that our lives together require us to get done. Our son, Michael, recently sent us a link to an article on The Atlantic magazine’s web site titled:  Spouses Probably Shouldn’t Try to Split Household Tasks Exactly Evenly by Noah Berlatsky.  We found it to be a great discussion about the pitfalls of seeking to keep the division of labor equal and the benefits of working together and helping each other without “keeping score”.  We recommend that you read the entire article, as well as our comments below.

In our marriage we have always had some agreement that I would be primarily responsible for some areas and Rita in others.  We always knew that each of us could look to the other for help in a pinch and that sometimes one of us would simply pitch in when we saw the other hassled.  When the children were small, I was working and she was at home with them, so it naturally worked out that she did more of the child care jobs, cooking and household maintenance, but I did help, especially with cleaning the house on weekends.  I made an effort to get to sports events with the kids and would sometimes keep them for few hours, so that she could go shopping.  We did some of the grocery shopping together.  It was something we enjoyed and, as the kids got older, gave us some alone time.

When Rita went back to teaching, she asked me to take over cooking dinner and she offered to do the cleanup.  I agreed and do the cooking most of the time.  She does the cleanup, but I usually clear the table and put leftovers and other items away before going off to do something else.  She still does the laundry, but leaves my clothes, sometimes folded-sometimes not, on the bed and I put them away.  I have always dealt with the mechanics of our finances, but tried to keep Rita aware of our situation and we always shared major decisions.  As we are aging, I’m becoming aware that it is time to involve her more in the mechanics of maintaining our finances as well.

The point I am trying to make, in support of the article, is that we found it useful to have some division of labor in a general sense.  It is good to know what I am expected to take care of and what I can expect Rita to do, but we don’t consider anything to be exclusively the domain of one of us and always try to be aware when the other could use some help.  Sometimes one of us will simply step in and do something for the other because we can and it’s a way to say, “I love you.”

That brings me to the idea in the article that I think is most important:  When we are married, working together and helping each other is “what we do.”  Not only does it improve our relationship, the mutual support and sharing “becomes our relationship”.

We read many articles on marriage.  Some lead us to discussions about our own marriage and give us ideas for writing.  Some lead us to laugh and then discard or delete.  The article from Atlantic was one of those that instantly led to good discussion.  My first reaction was that Noah Berlatsky gets it.  He and his wife are lucky to have each other and to have figured out things about marriage and being in a relationship.  I/we have known for most of our marriage that dividing things equally and keeping score is deadly.  It puts each person on the defensive and always trying to measure up.  We knew even before we were married that marriage is not a 50/50 proposition.  It is about giving because I love.  While we have fallen into patterns of who does what since we have been married based on time, ability and likes, things have shifted through the years.  Like the Berlatskys we have parceled out some jobs to make our life easier such as having someone clean our house and we too order in food or eat out so that no one has to cook or clean up.  In general we each just do what needs to be done.  No chores are particularly mine or his.

I like the Inuit example of giving seal meat to someone because they are human.  It is not a gift with the expectation of getting something in return.  That is something too that we learned early maybe it was because we didn’t have a lot of financial resources.  We have through the years only exchanged gifts at Christmas.  On occasion one of us might give the other a gift on a birthday, anniversary, etc.  It is not expected nor does it require reciprocation.   The gift is enjoyed because it is given out of love.  We have never kept track at Christmas about who spent the most money.  We buy the gift that we think the other would enjoy.

This is a great article.  Spend a little time with it.  Mr. Berlatsky is right on and his last line says it all, “the helping [of each other] is the marriage itself.”  Let us know what your thoughts about the article and how you “help” each other in your marriage.

Read the article here.

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Living Together in the Word

Today’s scripture readings, reflection and prayer

Read A Book Press

Information about marriage workshops and presentations

Easter Break

Dear Readers:

Thank you for visiting our blog.  We hope you are enjoying it on a regular basis.

This week we are taking some time to participate in the observance of Holy Week and Easter and be with family.  We will be back with a regular post next Wednesday.

Living Together in the Word continues to be available each weekday with a reflection and prayer based on the daily scripture readings.

God bless!

Rita & Bob

Thoughts about Marriage for Young Adults, Part 2

We were recently interviewed by a former student, Dan Kamys, who is now an editor at fitandfabliving.com, a web site for young adults.  This week we offer a second excerpt from the interview.  The first part of the interview was published last week.

Editor’s Note:  We recently got the chance to talk to Bob and Rita Boeke, authors of Forever and a Day: An Invitation to Create a Marriage That Lasts a Lifetime and The Wonder of Marriage Blog about how young people can navigate today’s sometimes confusing world in search of their partner. They have been married for over 40 years, so they know a thing or two about making relationships last.

(Dan)My parents have been married 30 years, you two have been married a bit longer than that I gather, and sometimes I just can’t see myself being married that long. What do you think couples should do to keep the spark going? What do you two do to keep the spark going?

(Bob)  To respond to your comment about not seeing yourself married that long:  You don’t have to worry about staying married that long.  We’ve lived together over 46 years – 1 day at a time.  Now I look back and wonder where the time went – we seem to have been married forever, but it seems to have gone by quickly.  On our wedding day, we committed to spending the rest of our lives together and never doubted that we would do so.  I’m not sure if the following makes sense to someone who doesn’t have some experience of it.  We always work at keeping our communication open and being willing to face issues and work them out.  Over time that has developed into a great sense of intimacy – I know things about her and she knows things about me that we would not share with anyone else.  When we need to clear the air (yes, we still do) we can have a fight, confident that tomorrow we will still be together to enjoy each others’ humor and make love again.  We try always to laugh together, sometimes cry together.  We both read a lot and share with each other, sometimes a whole book or a passage or an idea from it.  We try to get away from the every day and have time to focus just on us.  We like to travel to new places and in the process learn about the places, but also each other.  We work to always have dreams for the future and to share and plan to make them become a reality.

(Rita) I think couples need to recognize that marriage is a journey.  Sometimes there will be potholes and detours but most of the time it is full speed ahead.  The potholes and detours require trust and commitment.  They are what make the easy parts happen as well.  Too often people don’t recognize that we all change until the day we die.  That person that I married is still the same, but much of him has changed, developed and grown as he has journeyed through his life, both with me and with the things he has done by himself.  My advice is to embrace change either when it happens to you and when together and separately each must make changes.  Our culture today tells us to change partners – we say change the activities of your marriage.  There has to always be something you haven’t tried together or something your have been doing to which you add a new twist.  The secret is to keep joy as part of your marriage.  Bob is my best friend, my confidant, my biggest cheerleader, my teacher, my lover and my spiritual companion.  His love challenges me to grow in all aspects of my life and I believe I have done the same for him.  I still can’t imagine my life without him and yet when I think we have accomplished everything we set out to do I am pleasantly surprised where our love takes us.

(Dan) What made you want to write the book?

(Bob)For many years we worked with married couples, presenting workshops and inspirational talks.  Often a couple would say to us: “You two should write your story” or “If you write a book, we’ll buy it.”  For many years the subject would come up occasionally and we would agree that, some day, maybe we’ll write a book.  About 10 years ago our children were visiting us for Christmas and gave us a book on “How to write a book” and said:  “Mom and Dad, it’s time to get started.”  That got us to be serious about starting and the following summer we began to write.  Once started, we found the process to take much work, but we very much enjoyed looking back at our lives together and remembering the good times and the tough times.  We found that we had each grown and changed for the better as individuals and that our relationship had grown, too.  We recognized how important our marriage has been in making us who we are today and allowed us to celebrate our individual and couple growth and accomplishments.

(Rita)  When we first started to do marriage enrichment activities I never thought about writing a book.  We just felt privileged to be able to tell our story and see it affect others.  As people began to tell us we should write I began to say “maybe some day.”  We had too many other things going on in our lives to give it much time and attention.  Our children’s gift was a nice surprise and the impetus to getting us started.  It was a wonderful challenge, called us to great vulnerability, much trust and helped us to fall in love all over again as we wrote our stories and read them to each other.  I think every married couple should go away at some point or at various points in their marriage and maybe use our topics and write, perhaps figuratively, their own story.

We took the advice of a friend as we began to write to look at what was out there.  We were amazed to discover that few books on the topic of marriage and relationship were actually written by a happily married couple committed to each other for a lifetime.  Books written by a couple usually meant that one or both were psychologists or ministers.  All well and good but often not with real practical lived experience.  We just decided to tell our story and then give hints, tips and things we learned along the way with questions for couples to discuss as they journeyed together in their marriage.

(Dan) What message do you hope people get from reading the book?

(Bob)We share our story in the book, but our hope is that doing so will help couples to learn more about themselves and their relationship.  We also hope that some of the lessons we’ve learned in growing together will help others to also grow together.  It’s never about us.  We have questions for couple discussion at the end of each chapter.  The first question is always:  “Where did I find me/us in Bob and Rita’s story?

We also want to be a source of hope, especially for younger couples.  We have been together a long time (46 years) and are continuing to have a ball.  We are our favorite traveling companions, we make each other laugh every day, we continue to enjoy touching and being touched and having a physical relationship, we share our hopes and fears, joys and sorrows, and life is good.
(Rita)  My hope in our throw away world is that couples can see that there are things that do indeed last forever.  They require us to care for them, to brighten the tarnish from time to time, to recognize that this thing called marriage is an amazing experience to enjoy.  Along the way that we have been married we have been fortunate to recognize that there are things that could help us strengthen the commitment we made to each other.  They included a weekend retreat, various workshops aimed at couple communication both verbal and physical.  We read lots of things, mainly books, and surrounded ourselves with couples who were trying to do what we were doing.  That is my hope for our book; not that couples will know us when they finish reading it but that they will know themselves and their marriage in ways they didn’t before.  We see it as a workshop in print, not a novel to be read.  Optimally, we recommend that couples sit together read a chapter of the book aloud to each other and then take whatever time necessary to work through the questions.  It could take weeks, months or even years.  I think it also offers the possibilit of reading over and over as couples change and grow.  Marriage is organic.  It needs tender loving care and I believe our book and our blogs can be part of that care.

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